This is a post I have been wanting to write for a long time. I had many intentions of starting it but would get discouraged because I knew I had so much to say. It has been 9 months since Ellie was born and a lot has gone on since then as far as feeding as a whole. Many ups & downs and tears of happiness & sadness along the way. I'm not exactly sure where to start so I will begin with birth.
Flashback to the day she was born. What a whirlwind that was. She had a hard time latching from the start. Her mouth was so tiny so maybe that was why. The nurses urged us to allow them to give her a little bit of formula because she was starting to drop weight. Of course I was concerned with her losing too much weight because she was a month early so I agreed that they could give her formula. We kept trying to get her to latch but she wouldn't. We had to spoon and syringe feed her the colostrum for a while in the hospital (and the first night at home). Finally a lactation consultant recommended the shield. What a life saver that became. Ellie latched here and there in the hospital with the shield. When we got home, she started nursing like a champ with it. What a relief. The day after we were sent home from the hospital my milk came in and it was smooth sailing from there. Ellie gained her weight back to her birth weight in a week which was excellent.
Nursing went really well for the first 5 months. We got rid of the shield when she was 3 1/2 months old. No more having to remember to bring the shield every where we went. On occasion we would give Ellie a bottle knowing that she would need to be familiar with it for when she would start daycare at 5 1/2 months. It was also nice to see Brian bond with her during feedings too.
Daycare started at the end of August when Ellie was 5 1/2 months old. That meant she had a bottle 3-4 times each day and only nursed 2-3 times. She began to favor her bottle over me. I tried fighting it for the longest time but I eventually learned it was not worth it. I wanted her to continue to nurse so I didn't have to become an exclusive pumper. Selfish, I know. But any time I sat down to nurse her she fussed and arched her back. She would only latch for maybe 20 seconds and would not feed well. This made it difficult to nurse in public because it would cause such a scene. I became concerned as to whether she was even eating enough each time I attempted to feed her. I finally decided it was time to give her what she wanted...and that was the bottle. It hurt my feelings at first. Majorly. I cried about it over many nights thinking I would not have a bond with her anymore. But I soon discovered that giving her a bottle was another very special bond.
Exclusively pumping was not an easy task. Especially with being a full-time grad student. It was hard to find the time in between classes to pump without going too long between each session. I became overly stressed out with school, pumping, nursing, and this new busy life which caused my milk supply to decrease. That began to stress me out even more which affected my supply tremendously. I decided it was best to start introducing formula at 7 months. Exclusively pumping also made it hard to go places because I needed to be attached to my pump every 3-4 hours.
It took a while to find the right formula. I started out with the one from Costco and she hated it. It was so bubbly and did not sit well with her tummy. I then decided to try the Earth's Best Organic Sensitive formula and that one caused her to become constipated. The next one I tried was Plum Organics and...ding ding ding! I found a winner. She took this one no problem and I am so happy with it. I started out giving her one ounce of formula to 4 ounces breastmilk. After a week I gave her 2 to 3. Then 3 to 2. I have a little bit of frozen milk still, but Ellie is to the point where she will take a full formula bottle. I am happy that I had a large stash of breastmilk in my freezer to be able to give her with each bottle everyday. I stopped pumping when Ellie was about 7 1/2 months which has relieved more stress because life and school is so demanding right now...it was so hard to sit down and pump all the time.
Breastfeeding is not easy. No one can really prepare you for it or for all of the emotions that come along with it. It is something us moms hold very dear to us. We become obsessed with it and possessive over milk. After being able to breastfeed for so long and then having to become an exclusive pumper made me sad and mad. I didn't want to lose the bond that nursing provided and I didn't want to have to lug the pump around with me everywhere I went. When we decided to start introducing formula I felt like a terrible mom. I felt like I was giving my baby poison even though that is not what I was doing. I needed to remind myself to be thankful that there is formula because "fed" is always best. Some moms are not able to produce any milk for their littles so I need to be thankful that I was able to. It was just a crazy roller coaster of hormones that got the best of me and I had to kick them to the curb.
I am happy to say that my baby is a happy and healthy 9 month old, no matter if she had breastmilk for a month, a year, or two years. To all the mommies out there, be proud of yourself for providing nourishment to your baby in any way that you are <3.
